Jesus Sez: Accept No Substitute!

As a consultant, I am always interested in alternative models of production and distribution, especially when developed by credible authorities in the field. Imagine my delight when I stumbled across a product whose design, distribution, marketing and sales strategies were carefully developed by Jesus and the Virgin Mary themselves.

The Rosary of the Unborn was presented by the Virgin Mary to visionary Maureen Sweeney-Kyle. Maureen already had quite a chatty relationship with the Holy Mother:

Maureen Sweeney-Kyle started reporting heavenly locutions in 1985 when the Blessed Mother allegedly appeared to her above the altar in St. Brendan’s Catholic Church in North Olmsted, Ohio. Transfixed by the vision, Maureen watched as the sparkling rosary beads in Mary’s hand caught the light and changed into shapes resembling the fifty United States.Not long afterward, the Blessed Mother started making personal appearances to Maureen almost every day. Maureen would hear thoughts like, “Pray for the Church, pray for the souls of corrupt priests, and Maureen, please remember to take your medicine.”

The Blessed Virgin provided Maureen with specifications for a special, high-test Rosary specifically tuned to fight the curse of Abortion. To quote the cheerful FAQ, “Parts of the Rosary are manufactured and then intricately hand-assembled. The teardrop-shaped Hail Mary beads consist of two teardrop halves which are glued together with a small plastic image of an unborn baby inside each bead. The red Our Father crosses are manufactured as one piece.”

Jesus and Mary remain active partners in the management of the Rosary enterprise, frequently popping in with marketing and promo advice. On August 31, 2001, for example, Jesus told Maureen:

Please tell the world that each ‘Our Father’ recited on the Rosary of the Unborn assuages My grieving Heart. Further, it withholds the Arm of Justice. I attach this promise to the rosary given directly to you by My Mother, for it is particular to Her design and requests. Make it known.

The FAQ also includes Mary’s suggestions for Rosary Maintenance: “Use a tacky glue, which can be found at craft and sewing stores.” Celestial advice, and practical, too.

The Rosary comes in two sizes (both of which carry the same spiritual wallop), but only one colour. The large version is priced at a very reasonable 24.95 US, but is currently divinely discounted to 22.95. Also available are fridge magnets, visor clips, static clings and water bottles.

The Diocese of Cleveland has issued a horrified repudiation of “Holy Love Enterprises” and “Archangel Gabriel Enterprises”, and Ms. Sweeney Kyle’s website carefully specifies that this is an ecumenical, not a Catholic, devotion.

All this suggests a corollary to Clarke’s third law: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” I proposed balbulican’s hypothesis: “Any sufficiently primitive manifestation of religion is indistinguishable from sheer superstition.”