The Bunker Saves The Conservative Party
Got a call last night from Tom Flanagan, Stephen Harper’s mentor and policy advisor. The campaign hasn’t been going too well for the last few days, and he was very appreciative (pathetically grateful, really) for the last advice the Bunker provided to the Harper campaign; he wanted to know if we had any more tips to share.
Well, I’m a sucker for desperate neo-cons in a state of abject humility, so I made the obvious suggestion.
“Tom”, I said. “Here’s your hint. Whenever Harper’s in trouble – where does he turn? To Whom does he look for guidance? What Higher Power has always provided the Light which guideth Stephen’s steps through the Valley of the Shadow of Minority?”
I heard a sharp intake of breath from Flanagan. “You mean…?”
“Of course, Tom. You need to ask yourself…What Would The Republicans Do?”
And in no time at all we had hammered out a quick three point Program to get Beloved Leader back on track.
Step One: Take every accusation now being leveled at Beloved Leader and level it at another candidate.
Plagiarism, for instance. Beloved Leader has been nailed in just one week with three proven charges of ripping off other writers for his material. Well, here you go: accuse DION of plagiarizing John McCain! Hehee! That’s pretty good!
Of course, it’s not actually words taken from John McCain. Not even close. The “plagiarism” was a quote from “The Arctic Climate Impact Assessment”, the core study well-known to anyone who’s serious about climate change, extensively quoted by speakers, writers and scientists. The same document was also quoted by one such scientist at a presentation to a Senate Sub Committee chaired by McCain. Not quite “plagiarizing John McCain” – actually, not even remotely – but heck, why let actual facts get in the way of a good lie?
Step Two: Start accusing your opponents of “terrorism”.
Fortunately, you don’t have to actually prove anything, as Sarah Palin has shown. If a politician has ever been in the same place as anyone ever associated in any way with any organization suspected of terrorism, then your case is proven.
Several years ago a dinner organized by a Tamil group in Toronto was attended by Liberal, Conservative and NDP politicians from the constituency. But URQ bloggers had a great time playing up the Liberal presence there, exclusively. So if Jack Layton or Elizabeth May ever attend any gathering at which any organization with any link to any political violence anywhere in the world – well, that’s clearly abetting terrorism, right? Or close enough for the Reform crowd.
Step Three: Get a Hawt New Conservative Icon.
At that point Flanagan stopped me. “Balb,” he said, “We’ve been trying to get Deb Grey to come back aboard for years now. But…”
“Tom,” I said. “You’ve got the answer right in front of your face. She’s hawt. She’s vivacious, perky, articulate, and got a real populist touch. AND she’s already a party insider, in a manner of speaking. She certainly is well briefed on Foreign Affairs. And I believe she’s looking for work.”
Another gasp. “You don’t mean…By God, Balb, that’s pure genius. I MUST tell Stephen immediately.”
So wait for the announcement over the next couple of days. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Conservative Candidate for Yet-To-Be-Decided, slated upon election to serve as Deputy Prime Minister…the soon to be honourable (and high time, too) Ms. Julie Couillard.
I’m just waiting to see Harper campaign on a platform of Change – would he be able to distance himself from the status quo?
My guess would be no (especially in a Parliamentary system). It can’t hurt to try though. He could rail against the attempts by the previous government to cut Arts-related tax credits. It may work in Alberta. And Quebec.
Heck, if a Republican can run with a straight face on a Change ticket after eight years of Republican mayhem, why not?
Ms. Couillard is much too classy for the Harper Valley PTA.
That’s okay, Shmo, it won’t be a very long gig.
Top 10 Stephen Harper election promises.
Number…
10. Free “lawn mounties” with every purchase of a snow shovel.
9. Steve promises not to take any more political advice from George Bush or Mayor McCheese.
8. Free beer for every Canadian who says “eh” after every sentence, eh?
7. Steve promises to work the words, “Kiss me, I’m Canadian” into our national anthems’ lyrics.
6. Sell Quebec to the Japanese for billions by telling them its Euro-Disney. (Ooops, sorry. That’s one of Steve’s Top 10 ways to sell out Canada).
Number 5. Steve promises not to start his next re-election bid at least until the end of the month and, he also promises to give up his Bob Barker haircut.
4. Nothing for the kids… er¼ make that free beaver rides for the kids!
3. Longer hockey games. Introduce an extra 4th period of hockey.
2. Steve promises never to call an election he promised he wouldn’t call and then introduce his platform at the last minute after the opposition leaders reminded during the debate that he should have one if he wants to be like a real Prime Minister. Naw, forget that. That’s just incredibly stupid.
…and finally, the number one Stephen Harper Conservative Party platform plank…
1. Steve will create a new cabinet post, Minister of Tim Horton’s
http://blogoffanddie.wordpress.com
http://theimpolitecanadian.wordpress.com/
Steven Harper, doing for Canada what George Bush did for America.
You’re lying – or mis-representing the facts enough for it to be a lie. You must know that too.
There’s a lot to criticize without resorting to lies you know.
On the plagiarism thing. Go to the primary sources, they don’t say that he’s plagiarizing McCain. Yes, people will distort it as the story goes further down the line, but who cares what they say? Go to the originators. And for the record, the “McCain” thing is one of 5 cases of Dion plagiarism. It’s not to say that it’s ok – it’s to say that it’s irrelevant in politics.
On terrorism. Elizabeth May appeared at a rally where racists were present. Not terrorists, racists. If the klan were 10 feet from her, she likely would have said something. But for these racists she didn’t. It’s a moral failure – and demonstrates that the Greens are not yet a mainstream party. As for other politicians appearing at events where terrorist supporters were present – those have already been covered in the press.
If you need a hot new icon, I suggest the Tory candidate in Toronto-Danforth.
Next, the Liberals are the ones practising Republican politics. They’re laying siege to Harper on his strengths – a Rovian move. They’re launching attack ads that would make Bush Sr. cringe. And again it doesn’t matter. Tactics aren’t ideology. They can use Republican style tactics without sympathizing with Republicans.
Lastly, we’re neo-liberals, not neo-cons. Big big big difference.
“You’re lying – or mis-representing the facts enough for it to be a lie.”
Well, no, actually, I’m not, in any sense whatsoever. But I commend you on an excellent, attention-grabbing opening. A bit like saying “You’re a Serial Killer – or at least a pickpocket.” It’s important to frame a dishonest accusation as histrionically as possible – good propaganda.
So let’s see how I am “lying”.
“Go to the primary sources, they don’t say that he’s plagiarizing McCain.”
Scenty, My Favourite Moron and the source I quoted, said he was plagiarizing McCain. There’s a link. Didn’t you notice? No lie. No distortion.
“Yes, people will distort it as the story goes further down the line, but who cares what they say?”
Don’t much care whether you “care” or not. Irrelevant. No lie. No distortion.
“And for the record, the “McCain” thing is one of 5 cases of Dion plagiarism. ”
Irrelevant to your assertion that I lied. I haven’t investigated these other allegations, and since you give this nonsensical instance equal weight with them, I see no reason to.
“On terrorism. Elizabeth May appeared at a rally where racists were present. Not terrorists, racists.”
Gosh, that’s interesting. Thank you. This is no way contradicts anything I said. No lie. No distortion.
Neither does anything else in the remainder of your post. No lies. No distortion.
Now, Robert, I understand that you, like many other URQ propagandists, have a hard time distinguishing truth from lies, as you’ve just demonstrated. But do us the courtesy of at least trying to connect your accusations with reality while visiting us. On your own site, you are, of course, free to continue to pile up the bullshit as thick and fast as you can for the delectation of “Louise” and the other stellar intellects you host.
And thanks, by the way, for your timely and apposite illustration of Strategy One. You truly have absorbed the Lesson.
(Phew, think Balb to himself. I guess this means he actually swallowed the bit about Tom Flanagan calling me.)
Well, if life doesn’t just imitate art! Julie Couillard claimed on CBC Radio One (88.5 FM in Montreal) this morning that (pre-scandal) they were actually grooming her – well perhaps that was Bernier’s personal job – for a CPC candidacy.
Oh, you thought we were kidding?