How To Handle A Newfoundlander, And Other Tips
As Prime Minister Harper continues his masterful campaign, winning votes and accolades at every step and proving once again the healing powers of a nice cardigan, his minions spread the message of love from Beloved Leader to the hinterlands.
Demonstrating the deep understanding of Canadians so typical of the Conservatives, Peter McKay illustrates the technique for winning hearts and minds in Newfoundland.
Don’t be left in cold, MacKay warns N.L. votersMacKay said Williams’s Anyone But the Conservatives campaign — which was launched after Harper dropped his position of excluding non-renewable energy revenues from the equalization formula — could mean Newfoundland and Labrador is at risk of being isolated from the rest of the country.
Newfoundlanders, as we all know, are like small children, and must be bullied and chided. In particular, they respond very well to threats, especially when those threats emanate indirectly from Ottawa. Basically, you need to tell a Newfoundlander exactly what you expect him to do, and emphasize that YOU have the power and THEY don’t. That always works.
I strongly encourage the Prime Minister and Mr. McKay to continue this approach throughout the Maritimes - the results will be spectacular, I promise.
It seems presumptuous to offer any further advice to a team that so obviously grasps the psychology of Canada’s regions. But if I might be so bold:
- Quebecers, because of their rural roots, are a down-to-earth, practical lot. They don’t have a lot of interest in singin’ or dancin’ or paintin’ or any of that other faggy stuff that the stuffed shirts in Ontario get all excited about. Let them know that you’re cutting that nonsense as fast as you can, and emphasize that money’s going to support the US/NATO mission in Afghanistan, where their kids have the opportunity to serve the greater good. You might also hint at a province-wide smoking ban.
- Ontarians, frankly, need to be taken down a peg and reminded that they’re parasitical scum who have lived off the toil of embattled and oppressed Albertans for centuries. Continue to treat their premier with contempt, their cities with dislike, and their ridings as your natural inheritance, withheld from you only by the stupidity and instransigence of the latte-sipping volvo-driving Taliban-loving gay-adoring self-obsessed gun-hating fetus-loathing effete overpaid would-be aristocracy of Toronto, which, of course, is typical of the entire province: they just need to be whipped into shape, although, of course, being the decadent swine they are, they’ll probably love it.
The North doesn’t count. Nothing up there to worry about.
The rest of the country is yours by divine right, of course, and you need not concern yourself with any of it (although perhaps some of our readers can suggest appropriate strategies for dealing with some of the odder corners of BC?)
[...] Nottawa noticed something amusing that I did too. Stageleft also thinks this threat will backfire on the [...]
i find it’s easier to distract newfies with shiny objects.
[...] going too well for the last few days, and he was very appreciative (pathetically grateful, really) for the last advice the Bunker provided to the Harper campaign; he wanted to know if we had any more tips to [...]