I’ve long been curious about the source of Kathy Shaidle’s mysterious reputation as a “good writer”. I’m always surprised that so many folks too intelligent to be taken in by her “I’m Not A Racist Horror, I Just Play One On My Blog” routine, when confronted with some of her viler droppings, will mutter something like “Yeah, I know she’s an embarrassing, hatemongering, cancerous bowel perforation - but she sure is a GOOD WRITER!”

I’ve always had to take that on faith, because I’ve never been able to find evidence of it.

She’s certainly not a very good “writer” on her blog, which consists primarily of plugs for herself, plugs for the people who reciprocate by plugging her, or “articles” consisting largely of quotes from and links to other sites.

I guess I could have actually bought a copy of something she wrote, but it seemed like a bit of an investment - even though you can buy copies of her “musings” through Amazon.com for $0.02 (yes, that’s two cents). It still seemed a bit pricey, but it’s a reassuring indicator that the free market really does work.

But I’ve finally found it - the motherlode of Shaidle prose. And I’ve also solved the mystery of the “freelance assignments” Kathy is continually writing about.

Kathy, in her own words at “Kathyshaidle.com, informs potential clients that she writes “catalogue-style product descriptions for electronics, fashion, beauty, home goods and other departments. Besides engaging customers and prompting them to buy, the focus is on writing a large volume of wide-ranging descriptions on tight, inflexible deadlines.”

In other words, she does blurbs for the Shopping Channel website.

The example linked to is Aloette “Ageless Skin Lotion”, a three-piece set selling for the astonishingly low price of only $89.96. The only actual “writing” on the page, which I guess must be Kathy’s, is the following:

Experience Ageless Science with this anti-aging skin care system!

Further jewels from the site include the Proustian description of the Tanzanite Ring (”An oval tanzanite and pear shaped diamonds create the striking and elegant style of this wonderful 18K gold ring”) and a ruefully ironic Brett Easton Ellis-toned meditation on the virtues of the the Juiceman Pro (”You’ll love the practicality and versatility of this easy-to-use Juiceman® PRO 100 Watt Juicer. Create your own wonderful juice concoctions with this fabulous small appliance that truly completes your kitchen”).

Well, both the juicer and the Tanzanite ring look absolutely terrific, I have to say. Kudos, Kathy.

But where she truly shines is in her celebrity biographies for the Shopping Channel of such cultural, political and artistic icons as - Ivana Trump.

” She’s traveled the world in search of the most exciting, exotic, glamourous and romantic jewellery to enhance all areas of your life. Ivana takes great pride in being a woman and strives to promote leadership and motivation through her work and image. She serves as a role model for women everywhere. Take it from Ivana when she says, “Remember ladies, we only have one life and it’s not a dress rehearsal, so enjoy it fully, live it well and bring love and passion to all you do.”

Well, I concede defeat. Faced with prose like that, what can one say, but…I’ll take two zirconium pendants with chains, and a Six-Week Nu-Yu Body makeover, please.