Comments on: How To Torture Your Consultant http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/ Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:01:59 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5 By: throbbin http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133578 throbbin Sat, 03 May 2008 06:37:46 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133578 Reading the comments on this thread - is every regular at Stageleft a consultant? Man oh man, the problem is bigger than I suspected!<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133578','throbbin'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133578','throbbin','Reading the comments on this thread - is every regular at Stageleft a consultant?\r\n\r\nMan oh man, the problem is bigger than I suspected!'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Reading the comments on this thread - is every regular at Stageleft a consultant?

Man oh man, the problem is bigger than I suspected!

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]]> By: Arwen http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133576 Arwen Sat, 03 May 2008 03:29:18 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133576 Oh. Have I got a case of number 4.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133576','Arwen'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133576','Arwen','Oh. Have I got a case of number 4.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Oh. Have I got a case of number 4.
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]]> By: nastyboy http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133568 nastyboy Fri, 02 May 2008 04:47:25 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133568 I put up this pic on the office door of every assignment I take. http://www.despair.com/consulting.html<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133568','nastyboy'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133568','nastyboy','I put up this pic on the office door of every assignment I take.\r\n\r\nhttp://www.despair.com/consulting.html'); return false;">Quote</a></div> I put up this pic on the office door of every assignment I take.

http://www.despair.com/consulting.html

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]]> By: LuLu http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133554 LuLu Thu, 01 May 2008 11:18:12 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133554 Been there, don that, Balb. Now try and picture me on one end of the line trying to explain to jackass senior management on the <i>other</i> end why this doesn't work He then promptly scanned them into PDF and emailed the file ... never realizing that the scan cuts off around the border of the page. Sooooo, comments are lost - including the ones on the backs of the pages. You know, the side that wasn't scanned? Name any torturous fuck-up to do with documentation and I've probably dealt with it. As I've always said, you have to be a special kind of crazy to do what I do ;-)<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133554','LuLu'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133554','LuLu','Been there, don that, Balb. Now try and picture me on one end of the line trying to explain to jackass senior management on the <i>other</i> end why this doesn\'t work He then promptly scanned them into PDF and emailed the file ... never realizing that the scan cuts off around the border of the page. Sooooo, comments are lost - including the ones on the backs of the pages. You know, the side that wasn\'t scanned?\r\n\r\nName any torturous fuck-up to do with documentation and I\'ve probably dealt with it. As I\'ve always said, you have to be a special kind of crazy to do what I do ;-)'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Been there, don that, Balb. Now try and picture me on one end of the line trying to explain to jackass senior management on the other end why this doesn’t work He then promptly scanned them into PDF and emailed the file … never realizing that the scan cuts off around the border of the page. Sooooo, comments are lost - including the ones on the backs of the pages. You know, the side that wasn’t scanned?

Name any torturous fuck-up to do with documentation and I’ve probably dealt with it. As I’ve always said, you have to be a special kind of crazy to do what I do ;-)

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]]> By: balbulican http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133553 balbulican Thu, 01 May 2008 10:24:14 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133553 Hey Lulu...how 'bout colour coded revisions....FAXED to you?<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133553','balbulican'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133553','balbulican','Hey Lulu...how \'bout colour coded revisions....FAXED to you?'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Hey Lulu…how ’bout colour coded revisions….FAXED to you?
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]]> By: balbulican http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133552 balbulican Thu, 01 May 2008 10:23:35 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133552 Heh. Throbbin, I actually have a line in Columbo's Canadian Quotations, fairly widely quoted (in some circles) that I wrote in a speech for a client. I'm quite convinced the client thinks, to this day, that they came up with it themselves.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133552','balbulican'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133552','balbulican','Heh. Throbbin, I actually have a line in Columbo\'s Canadian Quotations, fairly widely quoted (in some circles) that I wrote in a speech for a client. I\'m quite convinced the client thinks, to this day, that they came up with it themselves.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Heh. Throbbin, I actually have a line in Columbo’s Canadian Quotations, fairly widely quoted (in some circles) that I wrote in a speech for a client. I’m quite convinced the client thinks, to this day, that they came up with it themselves.
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]]> By: throbbin http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133546 throbbin Thu, 01 May 2008 02:18:05 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133546 Attribute any and all work done on a project to an overarching umbrella organization, so that the individual consultant gets little to no recognition for the important work they have done. For all my ranting, I have actually done some consulting work. I helped produce a (IMHO) very important document, which bears absolutely no reference to me or my genius.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133546','throbbin'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133546','throbbin','Attribute any and all work done on a project to an overarching umbrella organization, so that the individual consultant gets little to no recognition for the important work they have done.\r\n\r\nFor all my ranting, I have actually done some consulting work. I helped produce a (IMHO) very important document, which bears absolutely no reference to me or my genius.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Attribute any and all work done on a project to an overarching umbrella organization, so that the individual consultant gets little to no recognition for the important work they have done.

For all my ranting, I have actually done some consulting work. I helped produce a (IMHO) very important document, which bears absolutely no reference to me or my genius.

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]]> By: LuLu http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133543 LuLu Thu, 01 May 2008 01:51:55 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133543 I'll go you one better, North. Upon reaching third draft of the document, decide that further changes are so numerous they require colour-coding i.e. pink highlighted text to be copied at pink star, blue text at blue star, etc. Number them just make things even more interesting because certain portions of the text need to be copied to more than one area. I've actually had to edit documents like this ... and try very hard not to kill the person responsible. P.S. Punctuation on bullet point ... heh. Been there, killed that.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133543','LuLu'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133543','LuLu','I\'ll go you one better, North. Upon reaching third draft of the document, decide that further changes are so numerous they require colour-coding i.e. pink highlighted text to be copied at pink star, blue text at blue star, etc. Number them just make things even more interesting because certain portions of the text need to be copied to more than one area. \r\n\r\nI\'ve actually had to edit documents like this ... and try very hard not to kill the person responsible.\r\n\r\nP.S. Punctuation on bullet point ... heh. Been there, killed that.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> I’ll go you one better, North. Upon reaching third draft of the document, decide that further changes are so numerous they require colour-coding i.e. pink highlighted text to be copied at pink star, blue text at blue star, etc. Number them just make things even more interesting because certain portions of the text need to be copied to more than one area.

I’ve actually had to edit documents like this … and try very hard not to kill the person responsible.

P.S. Punctuation on bullet point … heh. Been there, killed that.

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]]> By: balbulican http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133535 balbulican Wed, 30 Apr 2008 21:45:27 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133535 Oooh, good one. How about this: Ignore the consultant's suggestions on the process by which staff input should be collected. If they suggest a survey, or one-on-one interviews, or a document review, they're simply trying to pad their contract. Naw, a good ole workshop oughta do it - half an hour max, at the weekly staff meeting, with you there to make sure things don't get out of control.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133535','balbulican'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133535','balbulican','Oooh, good one. \r\n\r\nHow about this:\r\n\r\nIgnore the consultant\'s suggestions on the process by which staff input should be collected. If they suggest a survey, or one-on-one interviews, or a document review, they\'re simply trying to pad their contract. Naw, a good ole workshop oughta do it - half an hour max, at the weekly staff meeting, with you there to make sure things don\'t get out of control.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Oooh, good one.

How about this:

Ignore the consultant’s suggestions on the process by which staff input should be collected. If they suggest a survey, or one-on-one interviews, or a document review, they’re simply trying to pad their contract. Naw, a good ole workshop oughta do it - half an hour max, at the weekly staff meeting, with you there to make sure things don’t get out of control.

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]]> By: North of 49 http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133533 North of 49 Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:57:46 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133533 For a client in any kind of technical writing, documentation, training or report writing project, try these: * When editing a draft, allow your prejudice against certain words and phrases free rein, and never, never be afraid to change a word or phrase to another that means exactly the same. * Fight over how to punctuate bullet points as if it's life-and-death. * On the second draft, take all the changes you made to the first draft and change them back to the way they were in the original. Demand a third draft.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133533','North of 49'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133533','North of 49','For a client in any kind of technical writing, documentation, training or report writing project, try these:\r\n\r\n* When editing a draft, allow your prejudice against certain words and phrases free rein, and never, never be afraid to change a word or phrase to another that means exactly the same. \r\n\r\n* Fight over how to punctuate bullet points as if it\'s life-and-death. \r\n\r\n* On the second draft, take all the changes you made to the first draft and change them back to the way they were in the original. Demand a third draft.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> For a client in any kind of technical writing, documentation, training or report writing project, try these:

* When editing a draft, allow your prejudice against certain words and phrases free rein, and never, never be afraid to change a word or phrase to another that means exactly the same.

* Fight over how to punctuate bullet points as if it’s life-and-death.

* On the second draft, take all the changes you made to the first draft and change them back to the way they were in the original. Demand a third draft.

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]]> By: balbulican http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133512 balbulican Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:45:16 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133512 Insist that it's a "Team Building" or "motivation" problem. Everyone's depressed because cuts are rumoured? Team Building. Support staff are fretful because no-one has ever given them job descriptions? Team building. People are confused because there are NO policies or procedures in place? Team building. As they say: when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133512','balbulican'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133512','balbulican','Insist that it\'s a \"Team Building\" or \"motivation\" problem. \r\n\r\nEveryone\'s depressed because cuts are rumoured? Team Building.\r\n\r\nSupport staff are fretful because no-one has ever given them job descriptions? Team building. \r\n\r\nPeople are confused because there are NO policies or procedures in place? Team building. \r\n\r\nAs they say: when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Insist that it’s a “Team Building” or “motivation” problem.

Everyone’s depressed because cuts are rumoured? Team Building.

Support staff are fretful because no-one has ever given them job descriptions? Team building.

People are confused because there are NO policies or procedures in place? Team building.

As they say: when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

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]]> By: Mike http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133510 Mike Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:35:12 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133510 Oh, even better, especially in IT consulting: "When the consultant solicits feedback from an actual user (as opposed to the management droid that hired them) and incorporates that change into the project, or delivers something of value that makes life easier for the actual client\user, threaten to fire them without notice if they dare do it again. After all, the real 'client' is the one who wants to use you for personal gain in the organization, not the client you were hire to serve." Of course, that could just be with the Feds as a contractee, but I doubt it...<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133510','Mike'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133510','Mike','Oh, even better, especially in IT consulting:\r\n\r\n\"When the consultant solicits feedback from an actual user (as opposed to the management droid that hired them) and incorporates that change into the project, or delivers something of value that makes life easier for the actual client\user, threaten to fire them without notice if they dare do it again. After all, the real \'client\' is the one who wants to use you for personal gain in the organization, not the client you were hire to serve.\"\r\n\r\nOf course, that could just be with the Feds as a contractee, but I doubt it...'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Oh, even better, especially in IT consulting:

“When the consultant solicits feedback from an actual user (as opposed to the management droid that hired them) and incorporates that change into the project, or delivers something of value that makes life easier for the actual client\user, threaten to fire them without notice if they dare do it again. After all, the real ‘client’ is the one who wants to use you for personal gain in the organization, not the client you were hire to serve.”

Of course, that could just be with the Feds as a contractee, but I doubt it…

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]]> By: LuLu http://www.stageleft.info/2008/04/30/how-to-torture-your-consultant/#comment-133507 LuLu Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:22:29 +0000 http://www.stageleft.info/?p=4497#comment-133507 Two of my personal favourites: 1) Institute a new process on Monday. When questioned on the validity of it on Tuesday, immediately snap "This is the way we've <i>always</i> done things" in a completely contemptuous tone of voice. Change the process on Thursday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as necessary. 2) Constantly demand that the consultant see things from your point of view regardless of whether or not it’s relevant to the project/proposal/process. Becuase it's allllllllllll about meeeeeeee.<div class="comment-remix-meta"><a href="#" class="replyto" onclick="replyto('133507','LuLu'); return false;">Reply</a> - <a href="#" class="quote" onclick="quote('133507','LuLu','Two of my personal favourites:\r\n\r\n1) Institute a new process on Monday. When questioned on the validity of it on Tuesday, immediately snap \"This is the way we\'ve <i>always</i> done things\" in a completely contemptuous tone of voice. Change the process on Thursday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as necessary.\r\n\r\n2) Constantly demand that the consultant see things from your point of view regardless of whether or not it’s relevant to the project/proposal/process. Becuase it\'s allllllllllll about meeeeeeee.'); return false;">Quote</a></div> Two of my personal favourites:

1) Institute a new process on Monday. When questioned on the validity of it on Tuesday, immediately snap “This is the way we’ve always done things” in a completely contemptuous tone of voice. Change the process on Thursday. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as necessary.

2) Constantly demand that the consultant see things from your point of view regardless of whether or not it’s relevant to the project/proposal/process. Becuase it’s allllllllllll about meeeeeeee.

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