It’s Not Easy Being White

(Sorry, Kermit. But whites get the blues, just like greens.)

I really MUST try harder not to blog about other blogs. It’s a bit too much like autocannibalism. But when fate sends you to two different sites, one right after another, someone up there…maybe Ourobouros itself…is telling you to write something.

Yesterday chance links sent me to two sites dealing with the same thing…the Unbearable Whiteness of Being. Both were hilarious, but only one was intentionally so.

Site one: “Stuff White People Like“, a field guide to white people behaviour, with a special emphasis on peculiarly “white” cultural stuff like drinking bottled water, not dancing at concerts, being the only white person in an ethnic restaurant, and buying really complicated and expensive sandwiches.

My personal favourite White Person Activity was “Threatening to Move to Canada“.

Often times, white people get frustrated with the state of their country. They do not like the President, or Congress, or the health care system, or the illegal status of Marijuana. Whenever they are presented with a situation that seems unreasonable to them, their first instinct is to threaten to move to Canada. Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture…

Within white culture, it is agreed upon that if Canada had better weather it would be a perfect place.

Whenever white people say, “I’m moving to Canada,” you must immediately respond with “I have relatives in Canada.” They will then expect you to tell them about how Canada has a perfect healthcare system, legalized everything, and no crime. Though not true, it will reassure them that they are making the right choice by saying they want to move there.

But be warned, they will reference you in future conversations and possibly call on you to settle disputes about Canadian tax rates. So use this advice only if you plan to do some basic research.

Note: Canadian white people threaten to move to Europe.

Note: Europeans are unable to threaten to move anywhere.

That’s the intentionally funny one. There’s lot’s more – enjoy.

The accidentally funny one was a thread initiated by our good friend Canadian Blue Lemons, plaintively entitled “Where Are Our White Heroes?”

The post is about how there aren’t any white heroes around. But let’s let Brian put make the case himself.

I’ve been around close to fifty years. And I have a very difficult time thinking of a single true “caucasian” hero. Someone of a Euro background who has put their life and living on the line for a belief or principle. My heroes are Nelson, Muhammad [Ali] and Martin. Dudley George died for his beliefs. Why do we of pale skin not have any person who can match up against these men? Why?

I have to confess I thought he was kidding. But apparently not. Reader “Absolution” immediately leaps in to defend the heroism of white people.

Socrates, crew of Space Shuttle Columbia and Challenger, Jean Moulin, off the top of my head. Tragic heroes: Boltzmann, Oppenheimer, Dallaire (although he’s not dead, he suffered a great deal) – again, off the top of my head.

Brian responds:

Get Real!!! Socrates – was he white – he was Greek 1500 years ago.
A single French resistence fighter…
Dallaire suffered?? He’s a rich senator for life now – and many say that his story was bogus.

Thanks for your response – it is a good one…

Those poor Greeks. Not only have they had the birthdate of Socrates wrong all these years (did you know he was a contemporary of Alexander? I didn’t!), but it turns out they’re not even white!! LOSERS!!

Matt contributes this to the discussion:

“What are you taliking [sic] about? The answer is easier than anything. Look at any photograph from WWII or from the present war in Afghanistan. The white commoner has put his life on the line for generation after generation.”

Well, there was that little fracas in China…you know, the Kuomintang and Communist armies uniting to fight the Japanese all through WWII. Oh, and all the non-white troops in every army involved in Afghanistan. But what the heck, they can ALL be heroes. And thanks, “white commoners”, from The Grateful Dusky-Hued Folks of the World.

Brian makes a grudging concession in the case of Terry Fox:

Terry Fox was a hero… thats one (he was as white as weget and as brave as we get).

You know, I’ve always thought the statue of Terry Fox near the conference centre could use a plaque, and that’s a great one: TERRY FOX – AS WHITE AS WE GET! Very true.

The thoughtful Ray K. contributes this:

The President, the Pope and the Prime Minister. Of course, two of these only count if “physical risk” doesn’t include assassination attempts.

I could go on, but you’d really better go read it yourself. I can’t do justice to it, and I wouldn’t want you to think I was enhancing the hilarity with editing. It deserves to be read in its glorious entirety.

Whitely yours (though not quite as white as Terry Fox, apparently),

Yer pal, balbulican.