Friends of Osama Award for 2007

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(CROWD SOUNDS)
(TAPPING. BG sound off-mike.)

Is this on? Hello? Testing…testing. It is on? Can you hear me at the back, there? Okay…Folks, your attention, please? Thank you.

(Coughs)

After weeks of deliberation, investigation, cogitation and dissimulation, the Al Qaeda Awards Committee is delighted to announce the presentation of the 2007 “Friends of Osama” trophy.

As you all know, this coveted award is presented annually to the blogger or media outlet that does the most to support the work of our beloved leader, Osama Bin Laden, may Allah grant him many sons. We are seeking to honour the person who assists us by deliberately and persistently fostering fear, promoting paranoia, and energetically circulating rumours and badly sourced “stories” in order to create exactly what we are trying to create – a cowed, terrified, credulous North American population.

The purpose of a Terrorist organization to punch above our weight by giving the impression that our enemies are in imminent danger. We try to create terror. Heck, that’s why they call us Terrorists, right?

(Laughter)

No, but seriously – the whole reason we exist is to convince infidels that we represent a horrible threat to their very existence. Now, let’s face it. We couldn’t even scuff the shoes of the USA if we threw everything we had at it. We basically consist of a bunch of loosely connected cells, operating under the scrutiny and attack of the biggest and most sophisticated intelligence system and military in the world. We occasionally manage to murder some people. But our actual capacity to damage the West is pretty much squat.

Since we can’t actually DO very much, we can only be effective by scaring the shit of of Westerners. And that’s why we need people the help of people like our winner…to convince the infidels to take us seriously, to force them to undo their own system of civil liberties, spy on each other, and promote hatred and division within their own countries.

And NO-one does it better than…the envelope, please…(rustle, rustle) Oh, yes. No surprise there. The winner is a popular favourite around here…ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for – CANADIAN SCENTINEL!

(Huge applause, shouts of “Allah Akhbar”, gunshots)

Scenty! Are you here? Yes, he’s here! Come on up , buddy! As Scenty makes his way to the stand, let me just read the judges’ citation here.

(Rustle)

There were many worthy nominees. But we, the judges, have unanimously concluded that we have no better friend in the West than the Scentinel. His sterling record of pointless, badly sourced, credulous fear and hatemongering speak for themselves.

Just a few examples to illustrate how our friend the Scentinel helps us create terror.

a) A bunch of dead birds were found at Staten Island. Scenty turned this into a horrific impending gas attack. The Money Quote:

“It appears that there was a deadly chemical gas of some sort in the air and that the birds flew into it and were killed virtually instantly by it. From the nature of the deaths, I’m reminded of the effects of such gases as have been used/developed for the purpose of killing people. Like, for example, what Saddam Hussein ordered Chemical Ali to do to the Kurdish people! Might this have been some kind of accident in which a lethal chemical was released into the air? Might this have been a test of a lethal gas by some who aim to use it in the future on people? Is this part of a terrorist plot? Are hostiles within conducting experiments in lethal gas dispersal?”

Priceless.

b) The Scentinel has for the last three years predicted an imminent nuclear attack by Terrorists on North America (not to mention an impending EMP assault, a bioterror attack, a cyberwar, and pretty much anything else we could imagine ourselves). The fact that its hasn’t happened hasn’t deterred him one bit. That’s the kind of blind, terrified triumph of fear over fact that makes our job SO much easier.

c) The Scentinel takes every single preposterous threat we publish, and distributes it to his readership, obligingly amplifying the fear factor as much as he can. He doesn’t seem to notice that we never actually manage to pull any of this stuff off; he apparently hasn’t figured out that our goal is simply to threaten.

d) Best of all…when we don’t release scare-inducing propaganda, the Scentinel will invent reasons to be scared for us. Missing school busses, an airplane crash, a student’s suicide, a nervous breakdown – he’s been even more inventive that we have in coming up with scary stories that promote a terrified populace.

e) And of course, when all else fails, he just makes shit up.

Fellow terrorists, let me introduce the best friend Al Qaeda ever had – a man whose devotion to sowing panic, foolish fear and unreasoning dread goes beyond even our best work…Canadian Scentinel.

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