In which I poke a ‘wee bit ‘o fun at some arrogant cigar smoking American blogger who says he hates Canada.

You can read up on what brought the poor fella to this point, I’m gonna start a bit further down in his post.

So, to better showcase my hatred of Canada I have compiled this list of the following facts:

1. One of the highest tax rates in the world;

Since our tax rate has -0- effect on our new found cigar smoking friend why it should bother him is beyond me, it would be sort of like me hating America because they have an idiot in change - IOW a pointless generalization.

2. Legalized homosexual (i.e. perverted) marriage;

Homophobia is a condition that can be overcome, therapy that includes hypnosis might be a good start.

3. Socialized medicine (Many Canadians cross our border for serious and minor surgeries because the wait and bureaucratic red tape are horrible in Canada’s communist healthcare system.);

And many Americans get cheap drugs here because theirs are so expensive and their social network isn’t quite up to snuff yet, I wonder if he hates them.

4. Their food sucks! They screwed up bacon, they put vinegar on french fires and worst of all…..THEY PUT MAYO ON BURGERS! YA, COMMUNISTS!

How did we screw up bacon? Vinegar on fries is good, old fashioned malt vinegar anyway, so is MAYO btw, MAYO is also good on burgers and hot dogs - is that one strike or two against the MAYO loving crowd?

What do MAYO and COMMUNISTS have in common anyway?

5. We have Veterans of Foreign Wars while they have Veterans of ONE War. Speaking of that, where the hell where they for all of those other wars in which we in the U.S. fought for the freedom of everybody else?

Tut, tut, tut, our poor cigar smoking friend should have done more that just visit Canada on his college trip, maybe he should have taken up history at a Canadian college…. or at least done a ‘wee bit of research before he spouted off.

Canada was involved in in WWI, WWII, the South African War, the Korean war, and is currently involved in the action in Afghanistan.

6. The Montreal Expos…enough said;

The Montreal Expos don’t exist.

7. They always get their coins stuck in our vending machines;

You’d think that, if nothing else, America and Canada could get together on things like coins. I feel the guys pain, really, I do, there’s nothing worse than trying to put one of their quarters into one of our coin-op laundry machines and seeing it drop right back out again. Mind you, I don’t hate America because of that, but it is frustrating as hell.

I wonder if he believed the “spy loonie” thing the US intelligence services were pimping a while back?

8. We got our independence the right way, through bloody revolution. They got theirs by begging;

Actually no, we got ours by just taking it. There were of course a few details to work out internally, but that’s essentially what happened, we just plain old took it.

9. We have the majestic bald eagle. They have geese;

Actually our nation bird is the Common Loon

10. Our flag represents our country through strength & symbolism. The Canadian flag, showing the maple leaf, only says “Watch out for us! We’ll dry up and blow away!” How scary;

Is that what it represents? Personally it doesn’t do a thing for me but I do think Betsy did a pretty good job given what she had to work with at the time.

11. We don’t need to learn Canadian geography. Unless, of course, we want to invade and enslave them. Which, by the way, I support;

Of course you don’t my cigar smoking friend, if people like you can’t find us we’re probably better off anyway - no offense - just saying.

12. Celine Dion…enough said;

Actually Celine Dion isn’t ours anymore, I traded her for Queens of the Stone Age in an IRC channel on the WyldRyde network one night - can you imagine, there are people down there wanted to claim her as their own?!?

13. Our country is not half ice;

Neither is ours, and the amount of ice we do have is rapidly shrinking.

14. Canada has two seasons: winter & July;

Humm…. I’ve had the bike out on dry roads every month since I put it back on the road after last winter, the long range forecast says we’re gonna be above freezing for a few days next month so there is every chance we’ll have the bikes on the road in reasonable temperatures at least once every month in the last 12.

See my comments about the ice - it’s that climate change / global warming thing so many people say ain’t happening

15. They WANT to be a bilingual nation. This is a great threat because that Canadian mindset is infecting our nation now. How many times do I have to get angry by having to ‘press 1 for English’;

Since what we do with our official languages has absolutely -0- impact om our new found cigar smoking friend what’s the big deal? Dear Mr. Forest, if ya don’t like it don’t call.

16. Two words: French Canadian. Instead of “We surrender” It’s “We surrender, eh.”;

We are collectively mortally wounded - sigh

17. We have Battle Hymn of the Republic. They have “Oh Canada”…enough said;

Yeah, the Battle Hymn of the Republic… Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord?…. enough said :-)

18. Canadian beer = cold bear piss;

I do have an opinion on this one, I grew up drinking American beer, at the time the drinking age in the US was lower than in Canada so it was just plain easier to get - it was cheap, it was weak, and it didn’t taste as good as Canadian brewed beer, but we were teenagers and it was accessible.

North Americans can’t make good beer, they make good beer in Belgium, and they make good beer in Ireland, but North Americans can’t make good beer.

19. They mess up football by preferring that sissy, European sport…soccer;

We mess up football? PFT, after watching Canadian football, American football is just plain tedious to watch - apologies to my friends south of the border but ya really gotta make some changes there.

20. They passed strict gun control and hate tobacco and trans fat;

Personally I think the gun registry and such was a daft plan from the word go, the tobacco thing confuses me, and our new found cigar smoking friend should really look at what NYC is doing with trans fats. They’re bad for ya dude

They might be loved by the rest of world but I would rather be feared rather than loved.

Something that our new found cigar smoking friend has in common with every group of thugs, every street gang, and every organized crime syndicate, in the world - light a fresh cigar and be proud of that ‘eh.

Besides, when Canada is facing a great enemy who are they gonna call because their pansy, peace loving, electric car driving, tofu eating, anti-gun country can’t fight for itself? That’s right, the USA!

I hate tofu…. we got great enemies? The last time we were attacked by anyone on home soil it was, well, it was by Americans, and we know how that one turned out.

If I offended anyone out there just know that I DON’T CARE! Canada Sucks!

Nah, you didn’t offend us, we’re actually pretty used to little rants like that from south of the border, it gave the guy who forwarded me the link a chuckle, and quite frankly it gave me a much needed chuckle when I read it this morning.

A word of advice though, next time you decide to embark on one do try and get your facts straight…. it’ll come off far, far, better.