Poor George Bush.

Remember September 10th, 2001? George had been in office for year, and already seemed destined for a small, ignoble footnote in the history books. His clumsy malapropisms had moved from funny to embarassing. Republicans were beginning to abandon the Party: prominent leaders were musing quietly (within earshot of media) about whether they’d be able to salvage the 2002 Congressional elections; and speculation was beginning as to whether George would be remembered as the Worst American President of the Century, or just as a really bad one.

Then on September 11th, Osama catapulted George to ersatz greatness. With the assistance of his speechwriters and a good makeover, the acceptance of a shocked and sympathetic world, and the eager participation of an American people who desperately needed to believe there was a Real Leader in the White House, George pupated and emerged as “War President” George. The Decider. “Flight Deck” George. “Mission Accomplished” George. “Turkeys into Baghdad” George. Steely eyed George led the Nation to War.

Five years later. The Middle East is in flames. Iraq is imploding into civil war. America’s allies aren’t returning phone calls. George’s administration is setting new records for corruption and incompetence. Republicans are beginning to abandon the Party: prominent leaders are musing bitterly (within earshot of media) about how George manage to completely blow the Congressional elections; and speculation continues beginning as to whether George would be remembered as the Worst American President of all time, or just this century.

What’s a guy to do? Well, the answer is obvious. George needs a new war. A war against an enemy that everyone can agree on, an enemy that can unite all the warring factions, an enemy despised by George himself, his neocon friends, the religious right, his allies, Muslims,, traditional Jews, and lunatics of every description. But what kind of…hey, wait a minute. I think we’ve got one.

Mr. President, we humbly propose…the War On Fags.

How will you justify it? C’mon. If you could sell an invasion of Iraq, you can pitch anything. Some initial suggestions:

- It can’t have escaped your notice that they’re MARCHING every year! In OUR CITIES! I’m NOT making this UP!

- Can they PROVE there are no weapons of mass destruction in those bathhouses? Do you have any idea how many closets there are in this country?

- What the hell ever gave them the notion that could get married, making a mockery of decent heterosexual unions like Britney Spears?

- Can we ever forgive them for foisting Madonna and Allan Bloom and Bette Midler and TWO Truman Capote biopics on us?

- Men were NOT meant to own blow driers. There isn’t a single mention of blow driers in the Koran, the Bible, or the Talmud.

Aw, shit, who cares about any of that stuff, really. The point, George, is tradition. Whenever a US President gets himself in trouble, the first step is to declare war on somebody. Reagan invaded Grenada and mined Nicaragua; George Bush the first did Gulf War the First, plus Panama: Clinton invaded Haiti. Maybe you were biting off more than you could chew when you took on the whole world, George: but a War On Fags might be a mouthful you could handle.

(Reassuring Footnote to our LGBT Readership:

Look, folks, don’t worry. If this “war” is as successful as all the other American “wars” - the “War on Poverty”, the “War on Drugs”, and of course the current “War on Terror” - you’ve got nothing to fear. In fact, get ready for a surge in popularity.)

(Extra Paranoid footnote in light of the general decline in humour in these grim times: this post is satirical. Stageleft does not endorse warfare against Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, Transexuals, Transgendered persons, Queers, Two Spirited folks, OR heterosexuals. )