There are a few themes that seem to unite large chunks of the Blug Blogosphere, but the most striking is Fear. Our Blue brothers and sisters seem addicted to it, and no excuse is too feeble for a panic attack. There’s a terrorist on every airplane, a gay subtext in every schoolbook, and a covert attack on Western Civilization in every environmental study. Heck, some of the older ones still see commies in their toilet bowls. Y’all remember “Commies?”

Our current batch features some very special writers and philosophers, each unique in their ability to detect Scary Stuff hidden behind the boring old reality most of us occupy. Without further ado, let’s investigate some of the unique spirits that infest inhabit the blue side of the blogosphere.

A Little Drinkie-Poo To Start?

Some Blue Bloggers take great pains to mask their racism as pious spiritual concern, or patriotism, or canny political analysis. But not our ever-reliable Right Girl, God bless her. Here she dramatically describes the end of a speaking engagement by Monte Solberg at the Islington Golf Club.

As my business associate and I left the club last night, I looked back to see Monte (of small stature), as Immigration Minister, surrounded by tall thin Somali businessmen. They were all smiling and pictures were being taken. Yet I couldn’t help but think that if the circumstances were different, different place, different time, Monte would have been torn to shreds as the child of pigs and monkeys. If they didn’t want something from him, they would have disposed of him in short order. With a chill, I walked out into the rain.

(It takes a very special cast of mind to look at smiling Somali businessmen and see murderers, doesn’t it? How DID she resist the temptation to shriek “Run, little Monty, RUN! They’re SOMALIS!! BLACK people!!! Maybe MUZZIES!! Help!!! Somebody SAVE MONTY!! Hey, what are you guys doing? Lemme go, I was just leaving…”

Naw, but seriously, Right Girl, good work. I especially loved that faux-literary world-weary Danielle Steele frisson about the chill and the rain at the end. Very…noir. Like those damned Somalis, eh?)

Appetizer Do You Falafel?

Well, if Somali businessmen scare you, kids, how about…zillionaire philanthropists? OOOH, scary!

Now, many would find it hard to read an Islamodhimmifascinazi conspiracy into the Aga Khan Foundation’s establishment of a Global Centre for Pluralism in Ottawa to research and promote tolerance and diversity, an announcement welcomed by Beloved Leader himself. But the vigilant Right In Canada sees through the wily, wicked Muzzy’s ruse.

I know that the Aga Khan is well known for his philanthropy but I have to sort of wonder if there is another agenda at work here.. Why would the Aga Khan Development Network be concerned about putting up a centre that focuses on tolerance here in good ol’ multiculti Canada? After all, we are known for our very liberal embracing of “diversity”…Perhaps the Global Centre for Pluralism may end up being renamed the Global Centre for Islamic Studies.

(If you’ve ever had anything to do with non profit organizations, development, charitable foundations or fundraising in Canada, you’re aware of the Aga Khan Foundation, possibly the best known and most respected philanthropic institution in the world. If you didn’t know that…well, gosh, you’re probably a Blogging Tory. Move on.)

Main Course: California Beef

I can’t think of an area that inspires more seriously - ummm - creative non-linear thought among our Blue confrères than gay issues. We’ve had SUZANNE attempting to link gay marriage with polygamy, and we can expect many more astonishing leaps of logic as Beloved Leader prepares the decomposing equine of same sex marriage for exhumation and yet another neocancon flogging. We predict, however, that few such leaps will match the Olympic non-sequitur achieved by North American Patriot. Commenting on Kahleefowneeuhn Governor Conan Terminator’s decision to veto legislation that would require California textbooks to contain information about the contributions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in American history, “Patriot” comments:

The queers and pedophiles need to understand that children are off-limits. They will not be sexualised to accomodate the pedo/homo adgendas [sic].

(It’s not often that one short paragraph manages to encapsulate so much ripe Blue Thinking: the mind-boggling equation of “queer” and pedophilia, the terrified notion that teaching history equals “sexualizing” (I guess the celebration of Martin Luther King Day would represent “negrification”?), and the ever popular “Gay Agenda” (quickly overtaking “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” as the most widely feared imaginary document in history). And all this inspired by a bodybuilder…)

Dessert (Puffy Pastry)

It’s always a delight to welcome a brand new nominee to the roster of distinguished Conucopians, and in this edition we are blessed by no less an entry than the aristocratic Gods of the Copybook Headings. In this wonderful post, Gods (may I call you “Gods”?) presents a refreshing perspective on Conrad Black. Lesser bloggers (and I count myself among them, to my shame) thought that Lord Black’s recent panicked scramble to reclaim the Canadian citizenship he renounced in a fit of pique was all about his impending public humiliation in US courts on charges of fraud, racketeering, obstruction of justice, and money laundering. Not so, it appears, in the world of the The Gods:

Slowly, Lord Black is returning to Canadian public life. Last week he was interviewed by Steve Paikin for the new TVO current affairs program, The Agenda. In it he made mention of efforts to regain his Canadian citizenship, renounced in 2001 over a spat with our former glorious leader, Jean Chretien. The winds of change have blown hard since then and better men now lead the nation. As such Black is making efforts to once again be one of us.

(Hosanna. We give thee thanks, O Conrad, O Gods, O Beloved Leader , that we, the unworthy, should find thy forgiveness and that the Lord of Fleet should deign to return to our fold…and forgive me my lustful thoughts about Barbara…)

After Dinner Coffee

Tories have been having trouble in the polls lately, but tend to blame the pollsters. I suggest that they hire their own Blue Blogger “Expressus“, who conducted an extraordinary piece of research to support his/her thesis that Starbucks’s is taking over the world.

So I did a simple survey just to test my predictions. I went on a busy bus that just ran through three Starbucks coffee shops, and I could accurately say that almost 40% of the people were holding Starbucks coffee. And judging from the smell of the bus rider’s breath, I’d say another 30% just had coffee. I repeated the test on a few other buses, and once again, Starbucks is dominant. In fact, more people had Starbucks than were listening to their MP3 players.

(Not only is this Blue Blogger dedicated enough to research to take a whole series of busses counting coffee drinkers and MP3 listeners…but he can diagnose the brand you drink from the smell of your breath!! Now, THERE’S the dude you want do your polling. Or…maybe he already is. )

And with that we conclude Episode 13. I’d like to thank our staff, Lily, Max, Stageleft, Treehugger, the Albanian Peoples’ Pehlivan Trotskyite midget oil wrestlers and research team, and Andrew for his delightful contribution. And seriously, let’s share a moment of quiet sympathy for the terrified Tories who actually walk around believing all this shit.

DON’T FORGET TO VOTE FOR “CON OF THE WEEK!” And don’t forget to vote for ConUcopia at the Canadian Blogging Awards, under “Best Blog Series”.

Remember - The Bunker Sez…

Blue Wisdom is a lot like Blue Cheese: stinky, overpriced, and the product of bacterial action.