No aspect of the evolution of dialogue in the (I’m going to use this word once, and I’ll never use it again) blogosphere has been as fascinating as the emergence of standard discursive forms for ignoring or dismissing unpleasant realities that offend ones sensibilities. These recurring rhetorical strategies have assumed the character of a dance, a pleasing, ritualized sequence of formal steps, a stately minuet of avoidance and denial that one may see performed with exquisite predictability on this very site. (See the Next Thread Down… Stageleft and Vinny, grab your partners!)

In the interest of formalizing the procedure even further, I am pleased to introduce the Balbulican Ultimate Dismissals (BUD) chart. Rather than actually having to type out those lengthy knee-jerk dismissals at full length, you may now simply enter the appropriate Dismissal code, and we who are in the know will immediately understand how you prefer to disregard the latest disturbing slice of reality.

Please note that the Balbulican Ultimate Dismissal chart is completely non-partisan, and can be utilized by right and left-wingers alike.

Print and copy the following codes for easy reference.

Category 1: Contradiction Codes

C-1: Basic Denial (e.g.: That didn’t happen).
C-2: Complex Denial: (e.g.: That can’t possibly be true, because if it were, other unpleasant things that I don’t choose to believe in would be true as well.)
C-3: The Missouri Variant (e.g.: That might have happened, but you can’t prove it to my satisfaction.)
C.4: The Pee Wee Maneuver: (e.g.: You’re only telling part of the story, and I’d tell you the other part if only I had time, but if you REALLY cared you’d already know, so I won’t.)

Category 2: Bullying Codes

B-1: Righteous Wrath (e.g.: How DARE you even suggest such a thing about our brave troops/the Pope/the left/me?!)
B-2: Blackmail (e.g.: Don’t you realize that by saying that you’re endangering our brave troops/the credibility of the UN/Western Civilization As We Know It?)
B-3: The Coulter Gambit: (e.g.: You’re just lucky we let you share the continent, Beaver-Boy.)
B-4: The Godwin Shuffle (e.g.: Hah! You said NAZIS! You lose! I win!)
B-5: The Cracker Barrel(e.g.: Well, sonny, when you get to be my age, you’ll achieve the same level of enlightenment as I have…)

Category 3: Diversion Codes

D-1: Burden of Proof Reversal (e.g.; Oh, YEAH? Well, how can you PROVE that their proofs are correct, to MY complete satisfaction?)
D-2: The Red Herring (e.g.; How come you’re ALWAYS picking on my beloved country/President/side of the political spectrum/browser?!)
D-3: Archeoblogogy (e.g.; Three years ago, in another thread on another site on another topic, YOU SAID…)
D-4: The Fauntleroy (e.g.: Oh , my goodness, you said a Bad Word. Well, I’m CERTAINLY not going to bother rebutting anything put forward by an ill bred cur such as yourself, sirrah.)
D-5: The Reverse Fauntleroy (e.g.: You f… s…, what kind of … stupid s… is that, you …(follow with the string of anatomical particulars and copulatory suggestions of your choice.)
D-6: The Guacamole Gambit(e.g.: Say, does anyone have a REALLY good recipe for avocado dip?)
D-7: The Kofi Break(e.g.: Oh, YEAH? Well…what about Oil For Food??)
D-8: Caution, Concealed Detour (e.g.: Yes, quite, absolutely, you’re so right. Let me just clarify one small point…(at which point the skillfull lead the entire argument down an irrelevant side discusion)
D-9: The Reciprocal Guild Manoeuver (e.g.: Oh, YEAH? Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, the (Liberals/Muslims/Gays/Blacks/Aliens) do it TOO, and you never complain about THEM!

Category 4: Mockery Codes

M-1: Lofty Dismissal (e.g.: Theres a lot of debate on the ‘net about this, most of it low quality - this is just one more example. No need to discuss.)
M-2: The Shirley MacLaine (e.g.: Do you have a special tinfoil hat for that? No need to discuss.)
M-3: Mock Deference (e.g.: Oh, right, well, (snort, guffaw) because YOU say so (snicker), it MUST be true (chortle). No need to discuss.)
M-4: The Balbulican (e.g.: Insert would-be-witty, offensively superior observation in an annoyingly effete voice, but do NOT engage in real discussion.)
M-5: Weary Dismissal (e.g.: You’re not STILL on about THAT dreary old issue, are you?)
M-6: The Freudian (e.g.: Since you spend so much obsessing about this you must secretly agree with me. )

Category 5: Assorted Fallacy Codes

F-1: Straw Man (e.g.: So in simple words you believe (insert highly distorted misinterpretation of your opponent’s position here, then triumphantly defeat the stance your opponent never took.)
F-2: Brock and Roll (e.g.: as a leftist, you obviously hate Canada, love gay sex and want to have Paul Martin’s babies, so…)
F-3: The Blahgbuster(e.g.: as a rightie, you obviously hate Canada, despise gays and want to father Barbara Amiel’s love child, so…)
F-4: Being Ircsome (e.g: So…explain to me EXACTLY whats wrong with torture/pollution/napalm/one line comments?)

Notes:

1) Dismissal codes may be used in conjunction with each other. For example, Basic Denial (C-1) can be combined with any of the Derision Series (Category 4, M1 to 4) to devastating effect. Please list in the appropriate order when using multiple dismissal strategies for maximum effect.

2) Please feel free to propose your own additions to the list: suggestions will be brought to the StageLeft bunker for decontamination, review and possibly incorporation in the Canon.

3) To the regulars: if you suspect that your own discursive style is being amiably parodied above, you’re probably right. Remember that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.